His Thoughts On Birth

This is a post my husband wrote back in July of 2010 on my other blog. These are his thoughts on birth and have not been edited in any way.
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Before I met my wife I had opinions on home birth and natural parenting.
I always thought it was for “all natural people” that lived in some foreign country in a village in India or Africa where that type thing has been going on for generations.

I have always liked the idea of a water birth. In a hospital with a Doctor and medical staff.

We had planned for a natural birth with our first child, but we were not as informed as we were with our second.
With our first child we did the whole hospital thing.
Darcel was induced and went 20 hours on the pitocin before asking for the epidural.
The baby was born, taken away and put in the nursery, but that is all we knew back then.

After the subject of homebirth was brought up for our 2nd baby, I was not a fan…at all.
She brought home books and used the web for reference.
I came around after we talked to a few Midwives, and I became more educated about home birth..
As the time came for my daughter to be born I was still a little skeptical but we had a lot of great people, like our midwife and doula that where there for support.

My 2nd Daughter was born in the hallway in our Cleveland apartment.
Not what I thought home birth would be. It was great, just have a kid wherever is comfortable and start bonding without the florescent lights, people all over the place and the baby getting probed and scooped as soon as she is born. Let the baby breathe!

After that I was on board fully and I did not want our future children born in the hospital.
When we moved to Virginia and we found out she was preggo again I could not wait to have the baby.
I could not wait to be that much more involved again.

Through the home birth experience I have a NEW respect for my wife.
The Pain she must feel going through the whole process.
No Offense to any other woman out there, but for a woman to go through birth without any thing numbing her up is AMAZING!!!

With our son We where able to do the LONG awaited waterbirth in our dining room of all places. It was Like a dream come true. It was my FIRST son and he was born how I pictured.

I think Modern tech has made childbirth more of a business  than an experience for man, woman and child as it should be.

The differences between our hospital birth and our homebirths were like night and day.
With our first child the doctor induced my wife, and the experience was very impersonal.
It seemed like she was just another baby being born during a shift.
The biggest difference for me between hospital and home, is that the births at home were natural.
Nobody telling us what to do, and when to do it, or how.

If a woman experiences homebirth just ONCE she will never want to do it any other way.

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How does your man feel about birth? Have his thoughts changed over time? Was her nervous, did he have an image of how the birth would/should go? What do you think of a His Thoughts on Birth Series? Many times we focus so much on the  woman and the man gets left out. I think it would be great to have several stories from the man’s point of view.
If you have man in your life that would like to share his thoughts on birth – email me themahoganyway{at}gmail{dot}com

Informed Birth is Empowered Birth

Welcome to the Empowered Birth Week Blog Carnival
This post is part of the Empowered Birth Week Blog Carnival hosted by Child of the Nature Isle and Betsy Dewey. For this special event the carnival participants have shared their perspective on Empowered Birth. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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After the birth of my first daughter, I knew things would be different the second time around.We were living in a different city at the time, and I knew what I did not want out of my second birthing experience.

At my 20 week appointment with the midwife in the hospital, she told me that they were going to schedule me for a cesarean at 38 weeks. The reason – macrosomia with my first and shoulder dystocia. I didn’t bother explaining to her that that was so far from what I wanted. I left feeling quite anxious, but I never returned to that office. Here we are in this new city with a toddler and one on the way. What were we going to do! I went home and searched online “switching midwives” that search term brought me to homebirth midwives.

From that point on, I decided to take control and read as much as I could. I became informed, and it felt so good.
I learned that birthing in a squatting, or hands and knees position can open your pelvis up to 30% more. I learned that there were childbirth classes other than Lamaze. I learned about birth affirmations, and I learned how strong the mind/body connection is.

Too many times we women will put our pregnancy and birth in the hands of the professionals. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t trust your care provider, but I don’t think it’s right to place them in full control. I think it would be better to look at it as a partnership. There is nothing wrong with questioning your OB or Midwife.

With my first I went along with what my friends were doing. I didn’t bother looking into other options because I didn’t think there were any.
This isn’t about home vs hospital birth. I believe women can have an empowered birth experience anywhere –  home, hospital, birth center.
We need to know what we want and don’t want. We need to learn as much as we can about pregnancy and birth.
Doing some research before becoming pregnant is a wonderful thing.I wish I had done that, and I know that more women are doing that these days.

I was on Twitter the other day talking with a friend. She asked me if I was still thinking about becoming a midwife. I told her yes – but it was a matter of when would be the right time. Her response was “before I have children”
I told her how great it was that she was looking into all of her options before pregnancy. She said after seeing all that she did working as a STNA(state tested nursing assistant) in the hospital, her experiences swayed her to go the natural route.

It’s so easy to access information these days –  you can hop online pretty much anywhere. I think the best way to be informed is to seek out all different types of women if you can, to talk about their birth experience(s).
I’m not talking scare tactic stories either, but a real mama village. Women who will support you and cheer you on throughout your pregnancy and birth.

You may be wondering what types of things you need to be informed about – Everything! Here’s a list to get you started.

Policy and Procedures for the place you’ve chosen to give birth

Childbirth classes

Doula

Your Midwife or OB’s Cesarean rate

If your planning a Homebirth – you want to know the transfer rate – also can your midwife carry drugs with her. They can’t in certain states.

Medications: pitocin, cytotec, epidural to name a few

Gestational Diabetes

Questions to ask your chosen care provider

Interventions and the snowball effect they can have on birth. Also the benefits of interventions in certain situations

Antepartum and Post-partum Depression

What kind of Postpartum care will be provided

You can read more on Informed Decision Making at Childbirth Connection.

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Women are strong, and we need to take responsibility for our own births. We research what kinds of cloth diapers were going to use for the baby, do we co-sleep or not? Where should I register? Baby names, baby furniture, the list goes on and on.

We need to take all of that energy and put it into gaining all that we can on pregnancy and birth.
I know I have felt a certain level of calm during my last two pregnancies and births. It was because I had informed myself, and I created a village. If you can, ask your Grandmother, or Great Grandmother about her births. We learn so much by simply sharing with others our joys and fears, and also by listening to others tell their stories.

It’s time to stop treating pregnancy and birth as a serious medical condition. It’s normal and natural. Birth is beautiful, and it is truly a life changing experience. The way we birth impacts us in ways we often can’t begin to imagine. The birth of your children is something you will carry with you for life.

When you do your own research and go with what works best for you, you’ll feel like a mama bear. For me it felt like I was in on something that my ancestors knew. I feel like I belong to this amazing tribe of women from all over the world.

I’ve gone on long enough…what are some other things women need to know to have an empowered birth?

The Empowered Birth Blog Carnival was lovingly hosted by Child of the Nature Isle and Betsy Dewey

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We invite you to sit, relax and take time to read the excellent and empowering posts by the other carnival participants:

Empowered Birthing – Amy at Anktangle shares a simple list of things that support an empowered birth experience.

Little Miss Green’s Home, Water Birth Story – Mrs Green at Little Green Blog shares her (home, water) birth story. Even though it happened 10 years ago, the empowering feelings are the same to this day (and yep, it STILL makes her cry!). This post is also a tribute to her husband who was there mind, body and soul throughout.

Save Birth, Change The World – Toni Harman, mum and film-maker talks about the highs and lows of creating the ONE WORLD BIRTH film project dedicated to helping more women around the world have empowered births.

12 Steps to an Empowered Natural Birth – Terri at Child of the Nature Isle wants to talk to all pregnant women and tell them YES they can have an Empowered Birth! This is her personal 12 step guide.

The Blessingway: a sacred blessing for birth – The Blessingway is a sacred ceremonial circle of women gathered with the intention of blessing and preparing a pregnant woman and her child to give birth. Betsy Dewey describes the beauty and the how-to of a modern Blessingway.

Informed Birth is Empowered Birth – Darcel at The Mahogany Way Birth Cafe tells us why it’s important to take control and be responsible for our own births. She says Informed Birth is Empowered Birth.

Empowering Birth in the Trenches – Over at Belly Tales enjoys the Midwife explores what empowered birth looks like in an urban hospital with a vulnerable population.

An Empowered First Birth – Zoie at TouchstoneZ follows the path she took to her first homebirth and finds she may not have been started out the best candidate for an empowered birth.

And this one to be published on Sept 12th :
Empowered Birth: From the Personal to the Universal – Zoie at TouchstoneZ questions the criteria for what makes an empowered birth and finds she has to let them all go.

When your birth doesn’t go as planned

We birth activist love to talk about how natural and beautiful birth is, and it is. But what happens when things don’t go as planned? What about when you planned a homebirth and needed to transfer to the hospital for complications? What if you planned a natural birth in the hospital and ended up with an epidural, or a cesarean? Maybe you’re approaching 42 weeks and the Dr. wants you to come in for an induction.

I know it can be frustrating – heartbreaking even, and at times maybe you might feel that your body has failed you, or that if you had made different decisions things would have turned out differently

Some people swear by a birth plan while others say they aren’t necessary. I think it’s a great idea to have a plan on paper. Maybe we should call it birth wishes instead of plans, plans change so quickly, especially when you’re giving birth.

A lot of men and women will say it doesn’t matter how a baby comes into the world, all that matters is a healthy baby.
It does matter though. Giving birth is a huge deal, it’s not something that everyone gets or wants to do. The birth of our children stay with us forever.
When things don’t go as planned there are still request you can make to have the best experience possible.
Homebirth Transfers – I think this post from PHDoula says it better than I ever could.

If you have a cesarean, you can ask that you and baby are able to bond right away, or ask that your partner bonds with the baby right away.
I have friends who didn’t see their children for 4-5 hours, and that is completely unacceptable. You can request that your baby room in with you, and of course, breastfeed! Breastfeeding releases Oxytocin, also get as much skin to skin with baby as possible.

Try to have a good support team in place. That way you can recover from surgery and rest with your baby, and if you have other children, someone to help watch them.

This article on bonding with your baby after a cesarean has tons of great information.

I’m sure I’ve missed some things. What helped you when your birth didn’t go as planned? Share your experience in the comments.

The Birth of My first Child – Our Miracle Baby

Welcome to the First Carnival of Birth Reflections

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Birth Reflections hosted by Patti at Jazzy Mama and Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Participants are writing posts that reflect on how birth has transformed them into who they are today. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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*Trigger warnings of baby in distress*

It’s been six and half years since the birth of my first daughter. I’ve shared the birth stories of my last two children, but not hers. I am amazed that after all this time I still get teary when I talk about her birth. I figured if I don’t talk about it now, I may never.
I had planned an all natural birth at Good Sam hospital. I was seeing a team of three midwives there. I remember well when the contractions started and I realized I was indeed in labor.
I had a cute little Rat Terrier back then, she sat in the rocking chair beside me, or at my feet. I think she knew something was up. I rocked and rocked, walked and rocked some more. When I went to use the bathroom I noticed my contractions were picking up in intensity, they were also two minutes apart!

I called the pager and one of the midwives called me back. She told me to go ahead and come in. Looking back I think I should’ve stayed home longer. Maybe it was the short ride(I’m talking 5-7 minutes)to the hospital and filling out paperwork that made me stall. Once I was finally checked in they told me I was 1cm dilated. Seriously? My choices were walking for an hour or two and then starting pitocin, or going home and coming back again once things picked up.

I chose to walk and start pitocin. I just wanted to meet my baby. My due date was the 3rd, it was the 4th when I went in to the hospital.
You see, I skipped the chapters on cesarean and inductions…I wouldn’t need or want either of those things.

After walking the halls and stopping for several contractions, leaning on Charles, the walls of the hospital, and finally making it back to our room….they started the pitocin.
My nurse asked me if I wanted anything mild for the pain. I waited, but then opted for the Nubain. Not long after, I started feeling woozy and Charles said I was talking and slurring my words.
I dozed off for a while, woke in between contractions to Charles sleeping peacefully on the couch. They had turned up the pit and I was really starting to feel it. I couldn’t take the pain. It was awful!

I kept throwing ice chips at Charles trying to wake him because I didn’t want to yell in the hospital trying to wake him. Once he woke up and rubbed my back through a few contractions, we decided it was time to call my parents.
They arrived shortly and everyone took turns rubbing my back through contractions. I was in so much pain. They made me stay on my left side, had inserted the electronic fetal monitor on her head, went to put cervidil on my cervix and my water broke.

Now things were really picking up. I was lying there thinking this was so far from what I had wanted, but I was excited to meet my baby. My midwife was in and out of the room. She had a busy night/day. Nine other babies were born that day.
I remember at one point I switched sides and they came running in yelling at me to flip back over, saying her heart rate kept dropping. They pressed on my belly and I thought it was strange that Nakiah was so still. I didn’t tell anyone this then, but I had this feeling in my gut that something was wrong. I remember thinking” what if my baby doesn’t make it”
We had called the rest of my support team in the morning around 9ish, I think.  They came and after church the rest of my friends came to support me during the birth of my first baby. We all hung out for a few hours and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. After being on pitocin for 20 hours, I needed relief. I told them to call the anesthesiologist and get him to my room yesterday! I was so disappointed in myself for getting the epidural, but I needed some rest, my body needed to rest. I was so tense with each contraction, I couldn’t breathe, or relax into them, I just wanted them to stop.

I was checked again and was 5-6cm dilated. The midwife told me it could be an hour for each centimeter and then she left the room.
Shortly after, I think it was a little after 2:30 I felt like I needed to go poo. I called my nurse back in, and she checked me, said I was an 8, she went to leave the room and I was like wait!!!!….she came back and I was complete. She asked me to try a couple of practice pushes, said “yup, you’re ready” and left to get the midwife.

Here came my midwife, incubator thingy, and several other people. She asked me if a resident could watch and at the time I didn’t care who was watching….I just wanted to finally  meet my baby.
I couldn’t feel my legs, so Charles , my mom and one of my friends held my legs up. My other friend started to record.
I was pushing, counting to ten, pushing again, you know the routine….
They held up a mirror for me so I could watch her crown.

Finally….a head! I told them I needed a break. My friend started laughing at me because she couldn’t believe I was sitting there with this head just hanging out of me while I lie back for a few moments of rest. Since I had the epidural, I wasn’t feeling much of anything, so it was easy for me to relax for a few at that moment. I will say, that once I got the epi I was able to relax and I think that’s why I started to open so quickly. So I do believe that epidurals have their place.

So I’m pushing again and I hear my husband say are they supposed to look like that when they come out?
I look over, and the look on my friends face wasn’t a good one. Suddenly my midwife tells them to get rid of the mirror, and tells me I have to push now. I told her that I can’t, I need to rest for a minute. She yells at me that we don’t have time, and my baby needs me to push her out NOW!
I muster all the strength I have in me and my midwife was pulling gently on her. She was a little stuck….some say it was shoulder dystocia(that’s what they put in my file), and others say it wasn’t true dystocia after hearing my story.

I was expecting to have my baby placed on my chest all wet and squishy so I could snuggle her….the moment I had been waiting for.
Instead there were gasps, my friend threw down her camera, my husband and friends looked panicked. I got a tiny glimpse of my limp baby being rushed across the room by my midwife.
My friend tells me to pray, but I can’t. I felt paralyzed. I’m thankful everyone else in the room was praying.
Over the next several minutes all I heard was crying, praying, and hospital staff barking orders at each other.
I forgot to mention that my dad was behind the curtain this entire time. My mom went and told him to pray, but didn’t tell him why.

No one was telling me what was going on. I was so scared. I think maybe I couldn’t pray because I knew something was wrong before. I wish I had said something. It was too late now though, instead of my baby being with me, she was surrounded by strangers who were trying desperately to get her to breathe. My husband said they were rubbing her like crazy, they had bagged her, and still no response. The cord had been around her neck. Maybe as she was moving down, the cord kept pulling tighter around her neck? Maybe it was all the stupid meds I ok’d them put into my body.
Either way, it didn’t matter in that moment, my firstborn wasn’t breathing, and there was nothing I could do. I sat there in that bed alone, watching them trying to resuscitate her.. I was numb…and not because of the epidural. I felt numb inside.

After what seemed like an eternity, we heard a small peep out of her. Joy! She’s alive, my baby is alive! Her first apgar was a 0. They waited 5 minutes and then her apgar was a 9 I think. Nakiah suffered nerve damage to her right arm. She couldn’t move it at all.
Finally, I finally got to hold my baby girl. They handed her to me, and she felt so heavy. Yea she was 10lbs, but I think they added an extra 10 with all of those blankets they wrapped her in.

After everyone had their short visit with us, my midwife came back in the room to check on me. She told me she had been practicing for 30 years and never saw anything like that. She said that I had an amazing team with me, and that even she was praying in that moment. She told me that they don’t normally work on babies as long as they did with her.
She also told me that it was a miracle she was alive.

I had trouble bonding with her…..it took a long time. I blame myself though, I did all of that to her. All these years later and I still have so much guilt. It wasn’t the birth I planned or wanted. It was so traumatic for me. It took several days for everything to sink in. I’m trying so hard to forgive myself, but I can’t. I was supposed to protect her, but instead I’m at fault for how she came into this world.

I know I need to forgive myself. Holding on to all of this guilt and anger about her birth isn’t good. Do you have any suggestions?

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Visit Jazzy Mama and TouchstoneZ to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Birth Reflections!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• In the Middle – A Progression Through Four Birth Experiences Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares her birth experiences and the central focus that holds them together.
• A Birth Story-The Post Where I Finally Let Go Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama finally frees herself of all of the negativity she held onto regarding the way in which her daughter came earthside.
• From Hospital to Home Birth Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling explains how it took three pregnancies to realize that birth is a natural, empowering life event to be celebrated at home.
• Preparing for Joyful Birth-Making Peace with my Soul Shana at Tales of Minor Interest prepares to birth her second child with joy after a traumatic first birth experience.
• Reflections Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis reflects on the planned cesarean birth of her breech daughter.
• The Top Five Utterances of my HBAC Leah @ Zen and the Art of Cloth Diaper Maintenance comments on how an HBAC brings many new expierences and phrases.
• Labor Phases: Latent, Sleep, Transitional, Hell CatholicMommy shares the surprises of her birth story.
• The Birth of My first Child – Our Miracle Baby Darcel @ The Mahogany Way Birth Cafe shares her story of the traumatic birth of her first child. Darcel still feels guilt over the birth and is looking for ways to heal.
• My Thoughts on Birth: 10 Months Later Adrienne at Mommying My Way compares how she feels about her son’s birth now that he’s ten months old with how she felt right after he was born, and how that impacts how she relates to other new moms.
• Jasmine’s Birth, My Rebirth Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that the birth of her third daughter would change her entire view of her Life.
• Birth Reflection: It Only Takes A Second Zoie at TouchstoneZ reflects on her third homebirth-the birth of her second living child